No idea

no idea how I made it alive to today.

between suicidal feels, to skipping work for entire weeks to breath because of feeling wounded, to going from not being able to retain information and having my brain slower than it ever was to being able to retain information a lot better and have my brain less slow.

honestly the rollercoaster is nothing desirable. I’m so tired of crashing. “Taking every day one day at a time” is forever overpowered by the fear of crashing i.e. “Is today the day I’m going to crash AGAIN and can I handle the low that’ll hit me?” always lurks around in your mind, thoughts and souls. The fear.

 

nothing scares me more than bpd. Nothing scares me more than the lows and not having control.

back to weed and alcohol coping mechanisms . Why is it so comforting? Ug.

 

weed, cigarettes, alcohol and sex are the only things that hug my heart and that’s what I need daily. I just need to be comforted and held honestly. I hate this feeling. Especially when I don’t know the root cause.

I want to be free.

i need to be free.

 

11/08

You see it’s all hard you know, being depressed and having anxiety + bpd. It’s all painful you know, having your body tense up anywhere and everywhere – especially when you’re trying to fall asleep.

it’s all painful you know, inside, with a never-ending internal desire to cry , a sharp pain in your chest 24/7, a non-stop feeling of loneliness, demotivation, discouragement and hopelessness.

It’s all so sore internally which in turn gets so tiring but very quickly that leads to feelings of frustration.  It’s all frustrating you know, feeling the same shit for years, going over past self-written journaling and seeing that you still feel the exact same way, feeling negative wow something so basic but yet so tiring – feeling negative 24/7 is so so draining.

then ofcause your stress levels need to result in eye problems but your glasses keep breaking and you have no medical aid, and your stomach comes into play with problems so you have to adjust your diet, go through daily pain performances and take meds daily because they said there’s no cure for your stomach right? But at the same time you just feel nauseas non-stop because the overflow of negativity inside of you just somehow leads to that.

Tuesday I left my mother’s house because it was too much of a toxic space. It was just her and I in the house but she’s that toxic . I was staying between friends but today I finally moved in with my gran. And it’s all heartbreaking you know? Because you count on your mother to have your back, you count on your mother to care, you count on your mother to provide you with a space where you feel love and positivity the most but then you have to accept that it’ll never happen. It hurts. Moving out for the 3rd time doesn’t make it any easier because now you’re stuck with shattered hopes that you had in her. But she hurts you so you have to leave. She mistreats you so you have to leave. And it hurts.

I’m so ruined from all the losses, how many more cases of dissociating from people who mistreat me (but that I love dearly) has to happen to me? There’s been so so many and always straight after each other. I can’t breath. I’ve reached the point where my only wish is to be heartless. I don’t want a heart. I don’t want to be loving. I don’t want to be sensitive to people’s offenses I don’t.

 

i am starting a new job tomorrow and all I want to do is die. I am so bored, so so bored of reaching this place. I knew I couldn’t do a job yet but here I am always having thoughts and emotions that lead to desires of destruction.

 

i hate the life I have. I hate myself. I hate my disorder . I hate life in general. I hate pain. I hate pain. I hate pain.

 

07/08

“Do not ride on where you are nor talk about why you are overwhelmed and why you are in the pain that you are in.

Instead ride on how fear is NOT God’s plan for your life.
Come on, there is more in you.
Come on, do not wallow in your circumstance .
Do not wallow in fear.
No matter the circumstance of your life today do not wallow in it.
Remember who God is and what the gospel is .

Prayer can change a nation.
Politics cannot.

To everybody who feels like your circumstance will never change,
To everybody who feels like you don’t have what it takes,
To everybody who feels like you are of no real value,
To everybody who feels like you have messed up so badly you have no future,
To everybody who feels like you have been disadvantaged by the system,
To everybody who feels like everyone gets an opportunity but you,
To everybody who is single and feels like you will never find the right person ….

Then,
Exchange the word “feel” with “afraid” in each sentence.

Being afraid is a FEELING.

You cannot buy fear, you cannot call it to go to a movie with you etc. It is intangible.
Thus you have a CHOICE whether to pick fear up.
Since God never gave you a spirit of fear there is no reason for you to pick it up and carry it wherever you go.
You don’t have to have it drive you.

1. Fear paralyses people
2. Fear fuels negativity
3. Fear destroys confidence
4. Fear crushes relationships
5. Fear clouds vision & dreams
6. Fear limits your faith

How to overcome fear

1. LOVE
If you believe that God loves you you will not have fear.
Am I good enough for love?
Have I done enough to be loved?
Invalid/wrong thoughts .
God’s love is a perfect love which is not based on what you’ve done but based on who He is.

1 John 4:18

You can live overwhelmed by fear or overwhelmed by God’s love, it’s your choice!

Rest in God’s love.
God’s love is greater than your fear.

2. Power
There is power in you . There is power that works through you (i.e God’s power works through you and through your life) but if you live in fear the power will become stagnant .
Stir up that gift and start using it so that your power/His power can become available (in you).

Ephesians 3:20

If I stir up the gift, God provides the power!

3. A sound mind

Are you focused or unable to concentrate? Etc

Proverbs 23:7

Hebrews 11:1

Faith & Fear are both focused on what we do not see!

So which one are you going to pick up?
It’s a choice that you make up in your mind EVERYDAY.

Fear will always silence vision, Faith will always speak vision!

Pick up trust and faith in Him!”